Mummying Hurdles: Chit Chat About Motherhood, Work and Life As An African Mom Living In Diaspora.

 

Feeling a little bad as I sit to write as my child wanted to sit and have these long talks that are windy and I had just really had enough at 9:30pm, I needed to catch some kind of break. I did manage to have a moment to actually round off the discussion with him before sending him off to bed. Then earlier this evening/late afternoon, as I WFH, I'd been completing a series of tasks that required focus and just as I was completing a piece of work, my other son comes in and was like "mummy, mummy, please can I have another apple?". At first I was so focused that I was zoned out and wanted to just complete this set of tasks, until his chattering broke my focus and I got up and just couldn't go back as I thought "I'll get back to it tomorrow morning". It's the mind fragmentation for me.

I WFH most days but go into work once or twice a week and i went today and it's the fact that I find my mind drifting in the middle of  a meeting, going over my routine for the day, when to go off and at what time exactly so it could tally with the closing time for the kids, it's the fact tht I can be in meetings, having a serious discussion and I see that the meeting is about to run over and I know I need to go, everyone else is comfy and willing to go over the meeting time to tie up loose ends, but not me, I have to get out or I'd be late to pick up my kids and as I leave, I wonder how they are viewing me- do they think my life may be too busy for the role? Are they shopping for another person who has more "time" in their lives to give to the work on hand? And then I pick the kids and take them back home, still needing to WFH as I still have stuff to do, someone at work to catch up with and it's the fact that when I am catching up with this person (after explaining to the kids that they need to stay in their rooms and read their books so I can do a work call), my heart is thumping when I hear the footfalls of the kids cos I don't know if someone would let out a loud scream or laugh and then I'd look unprofessional as, technically, I am not supposed to be conducting "childcare" whilst "at work".....

And on it goes. This has literally been my life since I became a mom 10 years ago and started trying to go back to work. And I feel like this is the life of most moms in diaspora who go back to corporate work cos I interact with moms in my same situation, some of them are even in "better" circumstances as they may have live-in help in the form of au pairs and family from back home, some have supportive partners, some don't, but it's the same thing. Being at work but away mentally as you're planning what you're going to cook, laundry to do, emails from kids' school to respond to, getting kids signed up for activities and actually needing to take them when you are exhausted and depleted. It's the fact that my mind often feels like it's in different places at the same time, all the time, thinking different things pertaining to the homefront, (not to add things I'm standing in faith for and also keeping front of my mind- scriptures etc), my kids and their wellbeing and needing to bring my focus back to tasks I'm doing at work, and I wonder, are people going through this too? Can many moms relate or is it just the few moms I have interacted with? It's the fact that I wrote this post years back on balancing motherhood and career and, 7 years later, it still feels like it's the same. Granted, it's a little different, the kids are all now in primary school so you can at least get work that you can do during school hours, but still, but still....

These mummying hurdles are a lot. Or is it these "abroad" mummying hurdles?

I was saying to a younger colleague who was speaking to me about wanting to move in with her partner and to start planning life together and maybe having kids. Firstly, of course you know I don't believe in moving in with a partner and pre-marital/etra-marital sex, needed to mention that. Secondly, I am able to listen to, respect and speak on stuff around things I generally don't agree with but that I can still give truthful insight about. So because we don't agree on a lifestyle you have chosen to live doesn't mean I cannot listen to you about your life experiences and offer you advise that I truly know would help you. The only thing is, my advise would fundamentally be influenced by the Word of God- even though you may not hear me call God or Jesus (& sometimes, I would also simply need to call it as it is anyway,  I know you & you know me so you can be you & I can be me & mention about how my stance is derived from my relationship with Jesus), you would just know that 'this makes a lot of sense'. 

Anyway, this babe, who is about a decade younger than me, was having these thoughts and I simply said to her, "Just ensure you are with the right person. Understand what children and partnership mean to them before you think of having children. You want to be with a man who truly wants to be a father & who is selfless, a man who wants to be & believes in being a hands on father & a true partner not one who abandons everything parenting, chores, family life, to you". But then even as I said this to her, I realised that people actually lie. Or people don't actually know what they can do or be in situations until the situations arise. A man may say they want kids so much, they want to be a "hands-on fathers" etc etc & then you have kids & it's a different story. I couldn't help wonder, what are the vetting questions a girl at this stage could ask to avoid getting together with a partner who is unsupportive? Or will this simply be a case of "discernment" & "being led by the Holy Spirit"?

I feel like if women had more supportive partners, these mummying hurdles wouldn't feel the way they often feel. And I don't think it's an African people thing per se as I've seen Caucasians going through these mummying hurdles, the only difference is they have family around, there is a "Nan" somewhere who can collect the kids and the kids can go off to Nan's etc whereas, for an African family and woman who has an African traditional husband, it's a different experience.... The Mummying hurdles stay hurdling.....

I guess I'm writing about this because I realise that this is what my life is now. I'm not moaning about it, not at all, I guess I didn't expect this was what motherhood, life and career (or trying to have and sustain a career) would be like. I really had no idea at all and I wonder if it was me who didn't do my research about what parenting was going to be like and how you would literally be living round the clock for others or if this would have still been the case even if I had researched about it because it simply was one of those things you need to live through and experience to understand. Then I wonder, are other moms experiencing this too? Is that where sayings like 'a woman can't have it all' and all those other memes of women & men on a career racing track & the women have children, laundry, dinner etc in front of them on this track & the men's stayed clear of hindrances, have emanated from? I do know that there are women experiencing motherhood totally differently & I have discovered that one of the reasons (out of hopefully many reasons) they are experiencing it differently is because of the quality of spouses they chose.....

Are you experiencing these mummying hurdles? How are you? How are you prioritising yourself and your mental health? I wasn't really able to prioritise myself for some years but I'm trying to now- as soon as I can get my kids off to bed and have some alone time.

How are you doing this if you are experiencing these hurdles? Please feel free to share your tips- supportive spouse or not, childcare support or not, please share what is working for you and what hasn't worked for you and God bless you as you do. It could be a lifeline, I tell ya, cos these hurdles are hurdling! 

Until our next chat,

Love Always,

Judy.

P.s- Two posts in two days!! Praise the Lord!! Thank you Lord Jesus!!