Divorce: Learning To Love Again..... (2)

He did agree to having had a tough time with being open and how he had struggled with it and tended to jettison a budding relationship once he saw certain characteristics or traits in a woman he couldn't immediately understand but said he believes he is ready now. It hurt me to think that this Ikenna, handsome, caring and open Ikenna; who I had had a crush on back in my school days (he was my elder brother's friend and had asked me out when I'd been about to get into the university but I hadn't agreed: somehow along the line, we grew close and would chat like siblings and I grew to like him but the ship had already sailed, lol!) was now this distrustful person who's been unable to open his up his heart.

Divorce obviously leaves an indelible scar on our hearts and lives but I believe that we should not let it colour our ability to trust, believe in and hope for true love. Also, while I agree that one would be almost extra careful if they've had to go through a divorce from a previous spouse, it shouldn't be the reason one goes about with a mental microscope and an internal sensor that is really over-sensitive and goes off once it senses anything amiss- no one is perfect after all and so people will come with issues, you cannot keep running at the sight of an issue. Also, I didn't get the sense that he felt a woman would equally be as picky about him as he was being about them; a divorced person almost goes through double the scrutiny one who is single will go through only because the person you are about to hook up with will also be looking you over and trying to spot what could have caused your divorce and wondering if you could have been the reason for it so, whilst you are being overly sensitive to mistakes and finding it hard to open up to love, the one who you're making it difficult for to actually love you is probably guessing that your inability to be open and be tolerant is the reason you're divorced.

Your best bets are:

1) Heal: You need time to heal after you've gone through a divorce whether you like it or not and quickly diving into relationships for companionship or whatever reason, for me, is a recipe for disaster and just tells me you aren't really ready to move on. You need time to grieve the death of the relationship, whether or not the divorce was initiated by you. Take and make some time for yourself, feel, mourn the companionship you thought would last forever, read spiritual and uplifting books, go out and make new friends, see a movie.... just, start to live again. You'll know when you've healed: you'll begin to trust your capability to share your heart with another but still be in control of it in a way that you will not be vulnerable- I don't know if that makes sense? You can then afford to open up your heart to another but also know that you can handle whatever happens without breaking down.

2) Keep an Open Heart and Let Go Of Bitterness: You have to try as much as possible to look at life through optimistic lenses and try to see the good in people. Let go of the bitterness- this reveals itself in the way you recount wrongs done to you by this ex, being sarcastic and cynical and just having that negative energy about you that you don't realise others can perceive from a mile away: bury the cynicism, realise that you won't ever meet a perfect person- as long as the major things that tick your boxes are met/there, the rest can be worked on.

3) Clarify your Values as a person. Clarify what is important to YOU. What do you want in life? What have you discovered that you value? Do you value peace of mind? Do you value intellectual stimulation? Do you value intimacy with God and having a deep relationship with the Holy Spirit? Do you value connectedness and community? Do you value relationships and friendships? Do you value having time out with the boys or time out with your girls? Do you value deep conversations? Do you value fitness? Financial freedom? Traditional marriage roles? Respect? Clarify your values and then, let your experiences going forward measure against them. Ensure to stay true to your values because whenever you act in any way or accept anything that doesn't align with your values, you devalue yourself and dishonor your authentic self. Nothing good can come out of that. 

4) Clarify your Vision. Run with your vision. Oftentimes, a divorce can mean that the vision you once had as a couple has now been broken. You now have to create a whole new life that is not a shared one. This is a good time to clarify, re-create and re-cast your vision for your life. Where are you going? From this point where you are now, what next? What are your priorities in this season of your life? It may be healing, it may be getting your financial and career life together, it might be fitness, it might be doing some things that you love and that are an intrinsic part of your life's purpose but that you found you couldn't do whilst trying to manage a difficult marriage- re-start these. Clarify what it is that you need in that season and start rebuilding your life one step at a time. Also, as you go ahead to live a visionary life, casting a vision before you, achieving it, repeating this process, you will be better able to make the right decision about love when it comes around again because you will know what aligns with not only your values (which you clarified already) but also, your vision- which you are living. You'll immediately know who will complement your vision (and whose vision you also complement) and who would destroy your vision simply by being themselves. Not everyone is good for you- no matter how good looking they are, how educated they are etc etc. If your values are misaligned, if they don't agree with your vision therefore, are incapable of allowing you follow through with it, if they are indifferent about your vision and dreams, they simply are not good for you.

5) Don't be desperate:  Don't be needy and desperate but also try not to sabotage love by either consciously or unconciously pushing it away. Just be cool and easy about it and love will definitely find you.

I've obviously only given these views based on my own observation of divorce and its negative effects on people I've met and known in the past and how I truly believe one can get over the devastating effects- over time. Please feel free to add your thoughts and perspectives and if you've got first hand experience too, your contribution would be very much appreciated.

But let me leave you with a quick poll, would you go into a relationship (dating/marriage) with a divorcee? Would you approach a possible relationship with a divorcee with the same amount of caution you would a person you know has never been married or do you reckon your guards would be a little higher with the divorcee?

Sorry I haven't been frequent with my updates, I've been soooo busy and am trying to find a balance between the activities going on in my life and the time I can allocate to the blog. Also, I'm trying to  figure out what way I really want to go with the blog..... 

 Love Always,

Judgejudyjudy...

x....

Hope YOU are having a good August! :) 

*Made updates to this blog on 19/2/2023, added number 3 and 4